Divorce triggers a lot of strong feelings, so it’s natural for each side to have negative emotions and the desire to express them. But as a family law attorney with extensive experience in this area, I strongly urge my clients not to express those feelings in the home setting.
Kids are “sponges”
As a parent myself, I know first-hand that children are “sponges,” taking in everything they hear and see, and easily influenced by the people around them—especially their parents. If one spouse demeans the other, the result is almost always a negative one. It can bias a child against a parent or, if the child has strong, loving feelings about the criticized parent, can end up generating negative feelings about the spouse doing the bad-mouthing.
As any experience family law practitioner would attest, the general legal consequences of such negativity can be severe, including but not limited to a seemingly never-ending barrage of arguments and verbal attacks, extensive expensive and time-consuming litigation for modification of child custody, intervention by a child welfare agency due to accusations of abuse and neglect, and a very possible loss of various parental rights.
In other words, bad-mouthing is a no-win proposition all around.
Most child custody orders now include a non-disparagement clause, wherein both parents are admonished that neither parent is to make negative statements about the other parent in the presence of children. This provision usually includes a requirement that each spouse must also do everything possible to avoid letting other people (family members, significant others, etc.) say negative things about the other parent in front of the children.
Violating the non-disparagement clause can affect an individual’s custody rights. The offending party may be required to attend a co-parenting class or, in extreme cases where one parent simply can’t keep his or her mouth shut, the Court can limit that parent’s visitation rights (e.g. supervised visitation) to attempt to insulate the children from such negativity being said about the other parent.
What can you do in a bad-mouthing situation?
If you feel that your children are being affected by unwelcome comments, there are steps you can take to address the problem.
- Discuss the situation with the other parent in a non-retaliatory, non-confrontational manner. This could be as informal as sitting down with your ex-spouse and reminding them that the Court has ordered both parties not to bring up any legal matters, parenting problems or other issues you have with the other parent in front of the kids. Then you can work together on developing a strategy for dealing with issues as they arise between you.
- If you’re worried that such a discussion will fall on deaf ears, then address the issue in a letter or email to the other parent. In this way, you have documentation of attempts to address the problem informally, trying to amicably resolve the issue without extensive litigation, in the event you must bring it to the Court’s attention in the form of a request to modify custody.
- If the problem still persists, consider filing an action requesting parenting classes or changes to the terms of the parenting plan.
When parents divorce and go their separate ways, one of the main goals of the Court is to minimize disruption in children’s lives. This should be each parent’s goal, as well. For this reason, it’s best for each party in a divorce proceeding – even if they can’t stand each other – to bite their tongues and keep their opinions to themselves when around their kids.
Are you in need of legal counseling or have any questions about the above topic? The Law Offices of Ian S. Topf offer a free consultation in a variety of issues, ranging from family law/divorce, bankruptcy, and estate planning to criminal/DUI matters and landlord/tenant disputes.